No alpha, nor feminist

masculinity,
what does that
mean to me?
embarrassment.
being a male actually
makes me afraid
and doubtful.
portrayal of “alpha male”
tendencies, coupled with
the fear that males
are inherently dangerous
to a woman’s safety
makes me reluctant
to consort with women.
why?
i’ve heard stories,
from female classmates,
who have been harassed
by perverse males
while traveling by bus.
apparently they are
unaware of unwarranted
discomfort.
i’ve never considered anyone below me,
in fact, quite the opposite.
but with this new found insight,
i’ve taken a further step back
when dealing with women,
knowing that any good
intentioned act i attempt,
could be misconstrued
as a negative.
thus, i must guard myself
from misconception
because those before me
perpetuate an ideal
that holds no value.

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Ashamed of being

just because i have a penis,
doesn’t mean i’m a dick.
well, not entirely.
some people deserved
to be fucked,
but that’s besides the point.
and no, this point is not
located between my legs.
not that you’d be able to find
anything substantial there.
i’m ashamed
to be a male.
please, forgive the past
to which currently
makes me guilty
of things
i’ve not done.

Faces of work have families… hey mom?

I want to state that I do not know all the women I work with on an extremely personal level, but from what they’ve cared to reveal they are damned strong. Regardless the face they wear to work, I just hope their families are aware. I work with a majority of women, which to be honest, considering my being, is great but unnervingly shaky. I feel, at times, privy to the information gained through conversation, that their families don’t get straight forth. The experiences of the women I work with I find sometimes contrary to their work demeanor. The separating of public and private definitely becomes obvious. Beyond our defensive filters, I find truly loving people who rightfully earn what their now tasked with. Whether they could change things or anything, they’ve continued with their decision with due diligence and a sense of pride. As stated earlier, I do not know these women intimately, but I think that regardless of fault, which I’m a certain fault, these women are capable of enduring pains I’ve no comprehension with. Why do I feel the need to type this? I think after 6 years of relation with these women my judgements have changed. I thought that I’d just work a few year with them and pass to the next. But I’ve slowly accustomed myself to their consistency in my daily routine, that I recognize, apart from doing work at a job, I’m in proximity of strong individuals. Now they seem to act positively towards me, but I sense that there is more to what their allowing me to physically see. I don’t feel it is in my right or business to question peoples personal affairs without their consent, but there have been times where I’ve shied away from distress I’ve sensed from coworkers. I also think I don’t pry is due to lack of experience I’ve accumulated in relation to my coworkers. I can’t relate to marriage, kids, even though I still feel and think like a kid, bills, I live at home with minimal things I must pay for, nor car, house or any other Western “adult” problems. I just don’t know how to approach them with genuine interest, so I may come off as disinterested or uncaring. I’ve lost track of what I initially sent forth in accomplishing because my mom felt it necessary to come down and check in on me. Funny, yet it’s disrupted my train to run off it’s rail. She felt the need to comment on my tired face, an felt compelled to recount our BBQ at my aunt’s. I take it that she was happy that I decided to visit her family with her instead of blowing them off like my dad. I can and cannot blame him for his reasons. Okay, so thanks to mom, and mother’s out there, one’s who have to deal with a family life and their life, I want to give you my sincerest thanks. I know mother’s day has passed, but it seems to me that everyday should be treated like mother’s day, ideally.