Faults aren’t fake

i want to pretend,
but i can’t convince myself,
let alone others.
working to play
isn’t fun.
exhausted smiles
speak encumbrance.
confusion impedes progress
posing knowledgeably
defends marginally.
i will not fake it
to make it.
i’d sooner fail
than preserve
a false ideal.
failure reveals
that which
a fake tries
to conceals.
faults build up
which a fake
will destroy.

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Doctor cramps

i’ve been experiencing stomach problems, which have been on again off again over some months now. these pains have lasted anywhere from 10 seconds to 5 minutes. by no means long, but damn, do they take you by surprise. well i was lucky¬† enough to be on break from them for roughly 3-4 weeks when the pain came back. although this time, it was stronger than ever. it woke me up and curled me into a ball. normally it goes away when in fetal position but it just stayed. finally it subsided, somewhat, and i was able to fall asleep. the following night it hit me again and this time for longer. i was concerned and wanted to make time for the doctor, but never did, so i figured tonight i’ll go to ER. luckily the wait wasn’t to long. i was greeted by the doctor, who looked tired and annoyed, and asked me what the problem was. i explained to him what i was experiencing and compared it to my previous experiences with it. he listlessly said it was muscle spasms and to just take some muscle relaxants. okay i thought, but what i really thought was, this doesn’t feel like a muscle spasm. i got home, and contort myself in a position to sleep that alleviates the pain before i have to wake up to go to work. the pain hits me at breakfast, but i’m able to curb it by folding into myself. the pain is minor during work, just a cramping. tomorrow is wednesday and i’ve got time to go to the clinic to get my stitches removed and ask about my stomach. i drive to the clinic and wait to be served. when the doctor sees me he says i could be developing an ulcer or have a bacteria. i told him i’m going to see my family physician on friday and he said ask him about running some tests. well doesn’t friday come and i’ve been plagued with this damned pain all day and night. mind you, the night pain is worst than the day. anyways, i go see my doctor, who i wait longer to see than to consult with. he tells me that he sees no reason to do any tests. in conclusion, if i’m still feeling pain, he didn’t say for how long, nor did i ask, that i had his number and to book an appointment. well isn’t this just great? three professionals with three different conclusions, none of which has appeased my mind or body. i hope that it is nothing, like an ulcer, and that it’s a matter of a dietary change. but if not, i’m really disappointed in the lack of similarity of opinion. i value much of what i know and trust to science, and yet in this instance i’ve experienced glaring flaws with each doctors diagnosis. i guess, if it is something serious, only stool will tell.

I don’t know

allow me to
point
you in this direction.
don’t follow my lead
though,
this is just what i’ve been told.
i presume scraps of truth
in what’s been said.
reason rests upon
fanciful belief.
belief and fact,
skewed,
impede judgment,
to which each slant levels.
distorted facts contort belief
towards irrationality.
i don’t know what i know.

Beauty is a bastard

she asked,
am i pretty.
i had no response,
because really,
like the saying goes,
beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
and if that is true,
regardless of the majority,
what i have to say is neither
right nor wrong.
i know that whatever i say,
i’ll be called a bastard.
for the most part,
it’s true, for the exception that
my mother was married before
i was conceived.

3 beats 4 if it were 5

it’s hot.
damn, why do i feel so hot?
feels like i’m being roasted on the inside.
i… i think i’m going to be sick.
these butterflies, they’re stinging like bees.
focus goddamnit, it’s just nerves.
i guess i’m just fixated on the unknown.
why does it have to act up now?
i’m going to race a dog.
it has 3 legs.
that could be the problem,
i guess.
some say handicap, for it has three legs.
others say benefit, for nature will conquer.
bullshit, i say.
three loses to four.
math would never lie, would it?
predicated probability to prevail?
maybe.
only the present holds true,
unless the odds say otherwise.