I try art because art lives

“art saves him, and through art – life.”

this was a line that i took, probably out of context, from friedrich nietzche. you must pardon me, for i’m trying to read what i don’t know, which to be honest, is everything. disregarding his initial intention, i’ve taken these words to mean something else to me.

this snippet in particular resonates with why i create, let alone think. i’ve always used some form of art to express myself. it’s a cyclical existence you see: i live to create and i create what i live. i’ve tried to realize my shortcomings as a so called “artist” – the lack of technical proficiency and misconception – although, i use these weaknesses as a strength. how can a weakness be a strength? simple. to know one’s limit is to know one’s progress.

i will admit mediocrity, even when i strive for originality. Knowing this, i still create what i can with what i’ve got because this cathartic impulse can only be satiated by myself.

regardless of its uselessness to others, i create because i live and i live for that ideal that is but a shadow of reality i experience.

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Doctor cramps

i’ve been experiencing stomach problems, which have been on again off again over some months now. these pains have lasted anywhere from 10 seconds to 5 minutes. by no means long, but damn, do they take you by surprise. well i was lucky  enough to be on break from them for roughly 3-4 weeks when the pain came back. although this time, it was stronger than ever. it woke me up and curled me into a ball. normally it goes away when in fetal position but it just stayed. finally it subsided, somewhat, and i was able to fall asleep. the following night it hit me again and this time for longer. i was concerned and wanted to make time for the doctor, but never did, so i figured tonight i’ll go to ER. luckily the wait wasn’t to long. i was greeted by the doctor, who looked tired and annoyed, and asked me what the problem was. i explained to him what i was experiencing and compared it to my previous experiences with it. he listlessly said it was muscle spasms and to just take some muscle relaxants. okay i thought, but what i really thought was, this doesn’t feel like a muscle spasm. i got home, and contort myself in a position to sleep that alleviates the pain before i have to wake up to go to work. the pain hits me at breakfast, but i’m able to curb it by folding into myself. the pain is minor during work, just a cramping. tomorrow is wednesday and i’ve got time to go to the clinic to get my stitches removed and ask about my stomach. i drive to the clinic and wait to be served. when the doctor sees me he says i could be developing an ulcer or have a bacteria. i told him i’m going to see my family physician on friday and he said ask him about running some tests. well doesn’t friday come and i’ve been plagued with this damned pain all day and night. mind you, the night pain is worst than the day. anyways, i go see my doctor, who i wait longer to see than to consult with. he tells me that he sees no reason to do any tests. in conclusion, if i’m still feeling pain, he didn’t say for how long, nor did i ask, that i had his number and to book an appointment. well isn’t this just great? three professionals with three different conclusions, none of which has appeased my mind or body. i hope that it is nothing, like an ulcer, and that it’s a matter of a dietary change. but if not, i’m really disappointed in the lack of similarity of opinion. i value much of what i know and trust to science, and yet in this instance i’ve experienced glaring flaws with each doctors diagnosis. i guess, if it is something serious, only stool will tell.

Wayward sailing to sink

it started out
as a minor bump
slowly, methodically
with rhythmic reverberations
this bump
founded a crack
a hairs width
nothing to worry about
bump, bump
the crack fractured
rooting like a tree
still, no need to worry
this is all very minor
being gently pushed
has no effect
split in all direction
the slow pulsing waters
pressure a hole
okay, so some water
is trickling in but
i’ve got some buckets
big enough to scoop
out such amounts
then a storm hits
surprise
what started out as a
hair line crack has
evolved into a gap
stability compromised
the hull breached
water now gushes
in restless torrents
how did this happen
it was just a minor crack
i’m now sailing on a sinking
ship that i’ve sunk
i could blame the
ship builders for not
making a stronger ship
but i ignored the minor
repairs until i was drowning
to late for fixes and no
sense in abandoning ship
i’m at fault and will
sink with what i’ve got